Developmental milestones: Growing up by the numbers

It's the balance every parent navigates: protecting children while increasingly giving them more freedom.

Faced with kid demands, what age, exactly, should parents let tweens stay home alone, or say yes to a date request?

Parents need to look at children's overall development as well their personality, said Bridgett Blackburn, a parent educator at Bellevue Community College.

Earlier isn't always better, she noted. Kids hit developmental stages at varying ages; pushing tasks too early can lead to frustration.

"If you do it too soon, it's a struggle for everybody," said Blackburn, who also teaches parenting classes at Overlake Hospital Medical Center. "If you wait until the child is ready, it's just so much easier."

We checked with experts to answer the question:

How old should my child be to ...

Give up a binky/pacifier?

1 to 4

The American Academy of Pediatrics suggests parents offer a pacifier for naps and bedtime during a baby's first year to reduce the risk of SIDS, according to a policy statement published last fall.

Sucking on a thumb or pacifier should be discouraged by age 4, advises the American Academy of Pediatric Dentistry. Many tots stop on their own by age 2.

Blackburn suggests a rule that binkies stay in a child's bedroom after age 12 to 18 months. That way, children still can get their binky fix if they're upset or sleepy. "Beyond that, it becomes a habit rather than a need for security," she said.

Sleep in a big-kid bed?

2 to 3

The signal to move: When tots start climbing out of the crib. This can happen as young as 18 months to 2 years, but parents shouldn't feel pressured to move nonclimbers until about age 3. "My advice is to wait as long as you can," Blackburn said.

Be potty-trained?

2 ½ to 3 ½

Girls are toilet-trained at an average age of 3, while boys are closer to 3 ½, Blackburn said. "It's a lot later than many parents think," she noted. "Parents struggle unnecessarily when they start the process too soon."

Many toddlers show an interest in the potty at 18 to 20 months, so parents think they're physically ready when they're really not, Blackburn said. "If parents start at 2ish, they'll struggle for a year until 3ish. If they start at 3ish, it can take as little as a few weeks."

Some kids will be earlier, some later, she said. Parents will do best waiting until tots show key signs of readiness: recognizing the need to go, being uncomfortable in dirty diapers, going at least two hours between wet diapers and showing a desire to use the toilet.

Take swimming lessons?

4

"Children are generally not developmentally ready for formal swimming lessons until after their fourth birthday," warns an AAP policy statement. "Aquatic programs for infants and toddlers should not be promoted as a way to decrease the risk of drowning."

The AAP recommends close adult supervision — within an arm's reach — for all young children in the water regardless of their comfort or ability.

Ride a bicycle?

5 to 6

The AAP advises parents not to push children to ride a two-wheel bike until they're ready, about age 5 or 6. "Stick with coaster (foot) brakes until your child is older and more experienced for hand brakes," the group notes.

Anywhere from age 4 to 7 falls in the normal range for dropping training wheels, Blackburn said. But she advises parents to closely supervise all kids under age 12, as they are still learning to gauge danger.

Inline skates require a little more skill than traditional quad skates; most 7- and 8-year-olds have the required coordination and balance, the AAP states.

For skateboards, wait until age 5 and up, with riders under 10 closely supervised, the AAP says.

The Consumer Product Safety Commission recommends children younger than 8 ride scooters only with adult supervision. Kids under 12 should skip motorized scooters.

Get an allowance?

6 to 8

The point of an allowance is learning to manage and budget money. So kids need to know how to count and grasp money's abstract value.

"An allowance given before age 5 is not likely to have much educational value," writes family resource management specialist Sharon Danes, in a University of Minnesota Extension Service publication.

It also helps if children regularly request money for small items, which an allowance can then partially cover. "A good rule of thumb is that it [an allowance] be large enough to cover the agreed-upon basic needs plus extra for savings and fun spending, yet small enough to require choices," Danes wrote.

Sit with only a seatbelt?

8 or up

Washington state law requires children under age 6 to sit in the appropriate safety seat, from a rear-facing infant seat to a booster seat for age 4 and up. Effective June 2007, the law bumps the booster requirement up to age 8, unless the child is at least 4 feet, 9 inches tall. It also adds that children under 13 must ride in the back seat "where it is practical to do so."

Experts say it is safest to use height rather than age as a guideline for when to move kids to a seatbelt, since the issue is making sure designed-for-adult belts fit properly.

Get pierced ears?

8

If parents care for the pierced area, there is little health risk, even with younger children, says "Caring for Your School-Age Child: Ages 5 to 12."

But as a guideline, the book suggests waiting until children are mature enough to take care of pierced ears themselves. That can be as young as 8 or as old as 12 or 13, experts say.

Teens give 11 as the average age for being responsible enough to get pierced ears, according to a 2005 Gallup Youth Survey. For hair dye, the vote was age 13, while piercing a body part other than ears rated 17 years.

Stay home alone?

11 to 12

"Generally, many experts agree that children can be left alone at age 11 or 12," said Kathy Spears, spokeswoman for the state Department of Social and Health Services. "But a child's maturity and degree of common sense are more important than chronological age when making this decision."

Spears recommends parents consider how long the child will be alone, the time of day and the availability of nearby adults in case of an emergency.

Additionally, she advises parents to set rules for children when alone, such as whether they can have friends over, use the stove or play outdoors. Blackburn strongly discourages leaving children under age 18 alone overnight. "Chances are, they'd go to sleep and everything would be fine," she said. "But there's always that 'What if?' What if they got sick or there was a fire? They're not quite ready to handle what could potentially happen."

She also recommends after-school programs so young teens aren't alone for several hours every afternoon.

Start dating one-on-one?

16

The National Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy recommends only group activities for young teens. "Allowing teens to begin steady, one-on-one dating much before age 16 can lead to trouble," the organization warns in its "Ten Tips for Parents."

By late puberty — age 15 or 16 — teens are better able to handle the emotional challenges of a romantic relationship, including potential hurt feelings, said Blackburn, who teaches classes on puberty at Overlake.

This jibes with many parents, who voted for a mean age of 16.4 years for first dates, according to a 2005 Time magazine poll. Queried 13-year-olds, however, thought younger was OK, with a mean age of 14.7 years.

Half of young teens ages 12 to 14 reported having a romantic relationship (defined by holding hands or expressing love or like for someone), according to a 2003 report published by the campaign. In another survey, 40 percent of young teens said they had been on a date.

In addition to when teens start dating, it's important to know their date's age. Health surveys show girls with older boyfriends are much more likely to have sex. With young teens, 13 percent of same-age relationships involved sex; that jumped to 33 percent with a partner three years older.

Stephanie Dunnewind: sdunnewind@seattletimes.com

or 206-464-2091