Growing Older / Liz Taylor
Start early, go slowly when downsizing from a lifetime

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Q: My mother lives in the house where I grew up, a wonderful old barn full of memories and stuff — but now too much to keep up. She would like to move to a retirement community — except for dealing with roomfuls of things she and my dad accumulated. The prospect of getting rid of it stops her before she begins. Any advice?

A: With the graying of America comes a legion of new services to help us deal with many of the issues created by our lengthening life span. One example: businesses that help people downsize.

"This woman's situation is far from unique," says Arline Abrams, SRES (Seniors Real Estate Specialist) and founder of Senior Transitions NW, a business that assists people in all phases of moving in later life. "For most people who've saved all sorts of things over the decades, downsizing and moving can be just overwhelming. The process involves hundreds of decisions, significant stamina and countless memories."

But, say Abrams and her partner, Mimi Handlin, a geriatric social worker, it's definitely doable. Here are some tips.

• The first thing is to start early — months before the move. It's a huge undertaking to take apart a home you've lived in a long time, and you want to do it slowly and carefully. It's also highly emotional, so an early start lets you feel the emotions and tell stories, which can be freeing.

• Second, start small. Begin in a room that's manageable and stick with it until it's done, instead of going from room to room. Even one closet or just the corner of a room can be a starting point — and will give you a sense of accomplishment when it's done.

• Third, develop a road map of how you'll proceed throughout the house. Which rooms will you attack in which order? What needs to be done? Are there people available to help with specific tasks? Do you have the right supplies (boxes, garbage bags, packing tape, etc.)?

• Fourth, set aside one area in the house as a holding area and divide everything into five piles: keep, donate, throw away, sell or give away. For items you can't decide about, have a sixth "maybe" pile. Don't struggle over what to do with something, says Abrams. Ask yourself: Why do I want to keep it and how would I feel if I didn't have it anymore? If you haven't used something in six-12 months, it's probably OK to get rid of it.

• Fifth, go slowly. Your stamina at age 80 is very different from when you were 40. Take frequent breaks and don't work for more than a couple of hours — maybe for a total of five to 10 hours a week. "One of my clients," says Handlin, "wasn't getting enough water. When I realized this, I had her sit down and drink a few glasses before she could continue."

The closer you get to moving, the more pulled apart your home becomes — which is extremely stressful. So create a nest where you can seek refuge. Include a comfortable chair and everything you need to use on a daily basis — your address book, the TV, your medications and a phone. This space will help you maintain order and stay calm.
 
"People have the hardest time getting control of their homes if they don't know where they're going," says Abrams. "They do much better when they can organize around a future vision." So, if you think you want to move to a retirement community, go have lunch and visit several. Shop carefully until you find one that seems to meet your needs. If there's a waiting list, get on it. Having a destination will make the moving process less difficult.

A growing number of companies are available to help people move. Some do individual tasks, like moving, packing or hauling, while others take a client from beginning to end — from standing by their side and helping them sort through things to putting their home on the market. For a list, call Senior Information & Assistance, a free telephone referral service in King, Snohomish, Kitsap and Pierce Counties, at 888-435-3377, and ask about companies that provide moving assistance.

Senior Transitions NW offers workshops on how to organize your move, plus publishes an excellent book, "When It's More Than Just Stuff: How to Downsize Your Belongings and Manage a Later Life Move" ($25). To reach them, call 206-522-2221.

Q: My mother's almost out of money, living in an assisted-living facility that doesn't accept Medicaid. If she applies for Medicaid, can we supplement it to keep her there?

A: Medicaid is all or nothing: In most cases, family supplementation is illegal. So, if your mother uses Medicaid to pay for where she lives, she'll have to move to an assisted-living facility that accepts it as her only payment source.

Liz Taylor's column runs Mondays in the Northwest Life section. A specialist on aging and long-term care, she consults with individuals and teaches workshops on how to plan for one's aging — and aging parents. E-mail her at growingolder@seattletimes.com or write to P.O. Box 11601, Bainbridge Island, WA 98110. You can see all of her columns at www.seattletimes.com/growingolder/.