Rituals to acknowledge loss

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Some families feel comforted by honoring their loved one through a memorial contribution. Others buy a gift that person would have liked and donate it to a program for the needy.

"People want to do something with their pain that feels like it matters," said Donna Schuurman, executive director of Portland, Ore.-based The Dougy Center for Grieving Children & Families.

More ideas:

• Set a holiday wreath or miniature Christmas tree at the grave or other meaningful place of memory.

• Write letters to the loved one and burn them in the fireplace, a symbolic gesture to "send them off."

• Hang the person's stocking and ask family and friends to drop in notes or remembrances. These can be private or read aloud at a holiday dinner or gathering.

• Help children make a special ornament or decoration as a memorial.

• Set an extra place at the table during holiday gatherings. "It just acknowledges that the person is gone," said Bob Baugher of Highline College. "They're not pretending the person is really there, and they're not saying there's a ghost."

• Serve a favorite food or play a special song and note that it is done in memory of the loved one. Use a favorite flower as a table centerpiece.

• Spend time with a family photograph album and invite family members to share stories or memories.

— Stephanie Dunnewind, The Seattle Times

Copyright © 2003 The Seattle Times Company