Attitudes about paternity leave are changing

By Stephanie Dunnewind
Seattle Times staff reporter

	Dad Dan Cory, Miriam and mom Julia Bacharach. He said his paternity leave was "a wonderful time."
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But after adopting Mia, then 2½, in China and spending two weeks settling in at home, Anderton's wife, Diane Lostrangio, went back to work.

"Then it was me — that's what she got," said Anderton, who began with a two-month-long paternity leave that stretched into nearly six. The first morning Mia screamed and cried. It took weeks to develop their bond.

"It happened at Seward Park on the swing set, or when I helped her climb the ladder on the slide," Anderton said. "All those experiences we had were about building trust and a relationship."

Now if Mia gets hurt, she'll run right to Papa. "She'll wrap her arms around me and be comforted in my arms," he said as Mia, now 4, sat on his lap.

While Anderton's paternity leave was longer than most dads', a growing number of fathers are opting to take off more than a couple of days to spend with newborns or adopted children. Still, loss of income and fear of potential career damage discourage many dads.

'Attitudinal shift'

"I think paternity leave is really on the radar screen lately," said Judi Casey, director of the New England Work and Family Association at the Boston College Center for Work & Family. "With younger workers especially, there's been an important attitudinal shift. There's less stigma than there used to be."

STEVE RINGMAN / THE SEATTLE TIMES Mia Anderton, 4, and dad Joe. He began with a two-month paternity leave that stretched into nearly six months after he and his wife, Diane Lostrangio, adopted Mia in China when she was 2½. "That time off was well worth the financial loss, because the gains were incredible with this little girl," he said.

A 2000 survey by the U.S. Department of Labor found about a third of new fathers took some leave to care for a newborn or newly adopted child. Other dads elect for "underground leave," as James Levine, co-author of "Working Dads," dubs the time fathers scrape together with vacation or sick days.

An Oxygen/Markle "Pulse Poll" in 2000 found two-thirds of men (and nearly three-quarters of women) said new dads should take more than two weeks off after the birth or adoption of a child. However, the average amount of leave dads reported taking was less than a week, and most people surveyed said they didn't know anyone who had taken more.

Experts warn against using paternity leave to judge fathers' devotion to their families. "For most dads who don't take leave, it's not because they don't want to, but because of negative ramifications," Casey said.

Indeed, the Oxygen/Markle survey found more than three-quarters of men said loss of income, not lack of interest, was the main reason dads didn't take paternity leave.

"It's terrific if dads can and do take time right at first, but dads shouldn't be faulted if they can't," said Levine, director of the Fatherhood Project at the Families and Work Institute in New York. "It's one important but also very brief moment — there are lots of points in a child's life for dads to get involved."

Dads who work at companies with more than 50 employees and who have worked enough hours are allowed to take up to 12 weeks of unpaid time to care for a newborn or newly adopted child under the federal Family and Medical Leave.

Nationally, only 12 percent of companies report offering paid paternity leave, according to a 2003 benefits survey by the Society for Human Resource Management.

Last year, KPMG LLP, an accounting and tax services firm, offered new dads two weeks' paid leave for the first time. About a third took advantage of it then, with about half of dads using the benefit this year, said Kathie Lingle, national work-life director.

Though the percent of new dads taking leave is still lower than moms (who all opt for the paid benefit), Lingle says participation is higher than the 5- to 10-percent usage rate she hears from other companies. "You can have the benefit but that still doesn't mean people are using it," she noted. "Men are still very wary of the impression it might make that they're not dedicated to their jobs."

Get-to-know-you time

Dads concerned about wage loss can take intermittent leave (such as one day a week off for a couple of months) or postpone their leave until after their wife goes back to work, Levine suggests. This helps both mom and baby with that transition and also postpones the need for child care.

"Gradually, people are catching on that they can be more flexible in paternity leave," Levine said. "Many people don't realize they don't have to take (Family and Medical Leave Act) leave all in one fell swoop."

Dan Cory, a Microsoft program manager, took two weeks' vacation when his daughter Miriam was born. Then after various relatives came to help and left, he took three months off last summer when Miriam was 4 months old.

Microsoft has offered four weeks of paid paternity leave since 1993 but refused to share participation rates.

"It was a wonderful time to get to know my daughter," said Cory, who lives in the Green Lake neighborhood with his wife, Julia Bacharach. "It takes two weeks just to get out of the work mindset. It let me really think about what it's like to be a dad and learn to partner with my wife. It's not enough to just get a report at the end of the day."

Most Microsoft fathers limit their leave to the paid month, so Cory had to negotiate his longer stint. It helped that his manager and his manager's supervisor both had babies under a year old and had recently returned from their own paternity leaves.

Since Chris Berry and his wife, Claire, don't have family nearby, he combined five weeks of vacation and paid leave starting the Monday after daughter Amelia's Saturday birth (she's now 3 months old).

"It was important to stay home as we adjusted to being new parents," said Berry, a manager in KPMG's Seattle office. "It was the best decision I could have made."

And that's despite changing all the diapers the first week — including the 2 and 4 a.m. shifts — and giving baths the first month. When he's home now, he still helps out. "It's a lot easier since I had that experience upfront," noted the Federal Way resident.

On Cliff Meyer's first day back at the Richard Hugo House after five weeks of paternity leave, his wife, Alle Hall, called to tell him their son Zachary had smiled.

"I haven't been able to get that from him so I'm jealous," said Meyer, who just returned late last month. "It seems ridiculous now, but (before the baby was born) I thought five weeks would be enough.

"Despite what you hear about sleeplessness or dirty diapers, don't underestimate how much time you'll want to spend with your baby."

Adoptive dad Anderton realized it would be ideal if he could extend his initial two-month leave through the summer so he'd have more time with Mia and his son, Ryan, 13. Though his boss jokingly asked if Anderton ever planned to come back, "it was a real blessing that he said sure," said Anderton, a lead superintendent for Odyssey Builders, a construction and remodeling company. His wife works as executive director of New Hope Child and Family Agency.

Odyssey, where Anderton has worked 14 years, continued to pay his medical benefits. The Rainier Valley family adapted to his salary drop by eating simple meals and not going out much.

"That time off was well worth the financial loss because the gains were incredible with this little girl."

Anderton realized how much he missed out with his son, when he only took a week off after his birth. "We work for so much in our society, but we strive for all the wrong things. It's really about relationships with those we love."

Stephanie Dunnewind: sdunnewind@seattletimes.com

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