Let's get Monk-ish and start a list

To kick off Season Four of USA Network's "Monk," a press release for tonight's 10 o'clock episode announces a campaign to advance the term "Monk-ish."

The release defines "Monk-ish" as having traits like the show's obsessive-compulsive hero, played by Tony Shalhoub: list-making, extreme neatness, germophobia, etc.

Show publicists may hope for the same attention that "The Colbert Report" got when linguists declared "truthiness" 2005's word of the year, or when so many coinages — "Festivus," "re-gifting," "Master of your domain" — reinforced the centrality of "Seinfeld."

But there's a more practical use. If we are who we watch, then why stop at Monk-ish? Why not Baueresque, Stoneworthy and Smack-Mackey? How about Grissome?

A recent slew of returning shows illustrates the need for sorting out. FX's "The Shield" was back Tuesday. Sunday ushers in Fox's "24" at 8 and CBS Sunday Night Movie's "Jesse Stone: Night Passage" detective franchise starring Tom Selleck at 9.

They're all part of TV's current miracle, a loaves-and-fishes cornucopia of crime-solvers whose true mystery is the endless audience demand. A third of network television features law-and-order series, not to mention that you can see "Law & Order" proper in about 387 incarnations on broadcast, cable, satellite, DVD, the Internet and iPod.

Setting aside why such shows prevail at a time of relative domestic calm, the core truth remains that we look for relatable types. From that point of view, here's this week's quick starter guide:

Monk-ish (Monk in "Monk"). Team Player/Loner: Self-starter who typically relishes eccentric "genius" role. Work habits: Sharp attention to detail; can sometimes lose perspective. Issues: Trust. Wardrobe: Multiples of same shirt, same pants, same jacket. Vices: Addicted to self-analysis.

Baueresque (Jack Baeuer, "24"). Team Player/Loner: Works best in very small groups. Work habits: A clock-watcher, though always willing to put in overtime. Issues: Trust. Wardrobe: Favors practical outfits that blend in. Vices: Self-destructive women.

Smack-Mackey (Vic Mackey, "The Shield"). Team Player/Loner: Really, really, really prefers to lead. Work habits: Industrious, but has trouble drawing the line between personal and professional. Issues: Trust. Wardrobe: Black. Vices: Megalomania.

Stoneworthy (Jesse Stone, "Night Passage"). Team Player/Loner: Good at taking charge while masking introversion. Work habits: High-functioning alcoholic. Issues: Trust. Wardrobe: Conservative and mustachioed. Vices: Scotch. Buckets of it.

Grissome (Gil Grissom, "CSI"). Team Player/Loner: Thrives in group surroundings, but prone to loyalty clusters. Work habits. Analytical, thorough and flexible. Not afraid of "dirty work." Issues: Weight gain. Wardrobe: Anti-uniform. Vices: Self-repression and entomology.

And finally, just 'cause she's so cool:

Mars-y ("Veronica Mars"). Team Player/Loner: Very aware of group dynamics, excellent at recruiting talent. Work habits: Prone to extracurricular tasks that interfere with schoolwork. Issues: Trust. Wardrobe: Never too faddish. Vices: Can't shut up.

More about case-crackers just like us in future columns. Suggestions are welcome, especially if you can find ways to turn Johnson, Rush and Logan into adjectives.

Sports strips down

The rule in news reporting is that you need three of a kind to write a winning trend story — which only goes to show that most media people are lousy poker players.

I'm ignoring that rule, anyway, because of the unbelievable coincidence of two separate e-mails that arrived back-to-back at work.

The first announces Lingerie Bowl III. That's the pay-per-view "game" that airs during Super Bowl half-time and features scantily clad scrimmaging, this year under the watchful eyes of hosts Jenny McCarthy and Cindy Margolis and coaches William "The Refrigerator" Perry and Dennis Rodman. (There's a reality show waiting to form.)

The second bit of news was from Speedo. More commonly associated with summer sports and European beaches, this year the company has designed Winter Olympics uniforms for the U.S. bobsled team and skeleton team.

The TV angle to Speedo is a little vaguer, or at least less explicit than Lingerie Bowl III: something about a Sports Illustrated party with a Speedo Hot Tub, which I just can't wait to see some of my Times colleagues visit in Torino.

So are these efforts to further sex up sports? Quick, quick, alert the FCC. The last thing I want to see is Mick's breast fall out during half-time.

Kay McFadden: kmcfadden@seattletimes.com