Rahner's Rotten Rentals: Monstrous movies for Halloween night

There's no point sugar-coating it for you: The world's spiraling down the toilet.

We've got hurricanes. TV reporters standing in hurricanes. Iraq. Government officials who may be getting recurring roles on Fox's "Prison Break." And gas prices so high that I'm considering hearse-pooling.

A comforting holiday like Halloween couldn't be more welcome right about now.

It's time, Future Cadavers of America, to add a new word to our vocabulary: You may have heard of schadenfreude. But since that's a very un-American word from those foreigners in Germany, let's Americanize it for our rainy region: Sodden-freude!

When you experience sodden-freude, you take pleasure in the misfortune of others in these scary DVDs. Things may be bad, but there's always someone who's got it worse. No health insurance? At least nobody's encasing you in wax next to Paris Hilton. Bothered about bird flu? Try a demonic possession and then come talk to me.

Laugh till it hurts

"The Man With the Screaming Brain" (Anchor Bay, unrated). What if you were smashed in the head and got a partial brain transplant from the violent cabbie that your wife was cheating with? Cult hyphenate Bruce Campbell's first directing/writing/starring vehicle made my brain throb with pain. But the DVD extras kill. In one, he punks his co-producer by getting arrested in Bulgaria; and in another, both men detail their rocky, stupid, decades-long road to getting the movie made.

"Night of the Lepus" (Warner, 1972, PG): If you see only one movie about deadly, giant, mutant bunnies — and, uh, you haven't already seen "Wallace & Gromit: The Curse of the Were-Rabbit" — this one's for you. "Star Trek's" DeForest Kelly and "Psycho's" Janet Leigh are the Astaire and Rogers of this genre.

"Dracula A.D. 1972" (Warner, 1972, R): Bored young London hipsters looking for a new happening wind up in a Black Mass in which big daddy Dracula (Christopher Lee) gets resurrected. The fuzz and a descendant of Van Helsing (Peter Cushing) are not amused, man.

Recent repulsion

"Hide and Seek" (Fox, R): After little Dakota Fanning's mom commits suicide, her imaginary playmate terrorizes her dad, Robert De Niro. The thriller raises some provocative questions: Is there any job De Niro won't take? (Answer: See "Godsend.") And what's a guy his age doing with a daughter her age? (Answer: She's really 40 years old.)

"Skeleton Key" (Universal, PG-13): Louisiana has larger issues at the moment, but tell that to the young woman (Kate Hudson) who becomes a caretaker for a stroke-debilitated old man (John Hurt) at a dilapidated bayou mansion. My advice: Stay out of attics, and stay out of that state — unless you're with FEMA. DVD extras explain the difference between voodoo and hoodoo, but without John Fogerty.

"Land of the Dead" (Universal, R and unrated versions): Finally, after 20 years, the fourth zombie chapter from George A. Romero. In a thinly disguised — OK, not disguised at all — allegory, oppressed zombies march on an affluent stronghold where consumer-obsessed survivors ignore the problem. The unrated edition will challenge your gag reflex, unless you work in a butcher shop. Tasty DVD extras include video diaries from star John Leguizamo, the "Shaun of the Dead" guys (who have zombie cameos) and Romero spelling out in his audio commentary that he's riffing on George Bush's Amer-ica.

"Dominion — Prequel to The Exorcist" (Warner, R): Poor director Paul Schrader. The studio fired him and hired Renny Harlin to reshoot a gorier movie, which bombed last year. Exhumed for DVD, Schrader's version, co-written by Caleb "The Alienist" Carr, is so much better, it'll make your head spin. Philosophical and disturbing, it follows the former father Merrin (Stellan Skarsgard) to an archeological find in a Brit-occupied African village — a buried church with a demonic temple beneath it, which strengthens a possessed sickly boy and drives everyone else homicidally mad.

Wretched remakes

"The Amityville Horror" (Columbia Tristar, R): Ryan Reynolds steps into James Brolin's beard as the head of a family that gets a deal on a large house — because multiple homicides drive down property values. Though the movie claims to be based on a true story, it departs from the original by depicting Daddy going all "Shining" on his own family. The real dad, George Lutz, found this somewhat unflattering and sued.

"House of Wax" (Warner, R): Not fit to lick the boots of the classy 1953 Vincent Price original. But the moronic young-people/body-counter does have a visual knockout of a last half-hour — and it's definitely not star Paris Hilton. Hint: Watch it with a patty melt.

Classic creeps

"The Val Lewton Horror Collection" (Warner, unrated). Five double-bills from the legendary producer of elegant, atmospheric "B" masterpieces from the '40s. Each pair is available on its own, too. "I Walked With a Zombie" (1943) and "The Body Snatcher" (1945). "Cat People" (1942) and "Curse of the Cat People" (1944). "The Leopard Man" and "The Ghost Ship" (both 1943), a rarely seen suspense. "Isle of the Dead" (1945) and "Bedlam" (1946). "The 7th Victim" (1943) and "Shadows in the Dark," a top-notch new documentary that details how Lewton started with just a title and not much dough.

"The Innocents" (Fox, 1961, unrated). A daring masterpiece take on "The Turn of the Screw" ghost story, with Deborah Kerr as the governess hired to look after a young sister and creepily precocious brother. The lack of extras is cause for stern punishment.

Cheapskate chills

"The Hammer Horror Series" (Universal): For a lousy $29.98 retail, you get eight classics from the British studio, including the outstanding "Brides of Dracula" (1960) with Van Helsing (Cushing) in an unforgettably cool climax, an apparently sober Oliver Reed in "Curse of the Werewolf" (1961) and the rarely seen non-horror adventure "Night Creatures" (1962). Also from Universal, "The Bela Lugosi Collection." For just three bones less, five flicks including "The Black Cat" (1934). No extras with either set, but you can't beat the price with a stick.

TV terror

"Kolchak: The Night Stalker" (Universal, 1974). A lot of journalists got into the business because of "All the President's Men." But Woodward and Bernstein only wish they could be like Carl Kolchak (Darren McGavin, bursting with energy and charm) — bribing informants, wising off to his dyspeptic editor and encountering a different monster each week. Not that you'd know it from the joyless disaster of a revival series currently on ABC. The revered original ran just 20 episodes and became the inspiration for "The X-Files," as well as training ground for "The Sopranos" creator David Chase, who worked as writer and story consultant.

"Tales from the Crypt Season 2" (Warner, 1990). Longer and more consistently good than the first season. Walter Hill directs one standout episode with Lance Henriksen and Kevin Tighe as gamblers who hate each other so much that their wagers reach the point of, ah, diminishing returns.

"Millennium — The Complete Third Season" (Fox, 1998). No, I don't want Henriksen to be my boyfriend. He just happened to star in one of the best-made '90s shows of any genre. In the final season, the newly widowed profiler returns to the FBI (with a young chick partner) to go after the cult-like Millennium Group and its recruiter, played by "Lost's" great Terry O'Quinn.

Putrid packaging

"Evil Dead 2" (Anchor Bay, 1987, unrated). Anchor Bay's 670th edition of the Sam Raimi/Bruce Campbell cult hit, in a rubber "Book of the Dead" case that looks like nasty face. The innovation over the first "Evil Dead" skin edition: This one screams when you poke it in the eye.

"The Blind Dead Collection" (Blue Underground, unrated). The visually challenged quintet that started with 1972's "Tombs of the Blind Dead" comes in a little black coffin. Ideal for a late family pet.

And finally, tasteless titles, or, aren't you glad these movies aren't on your résumé?

Third place: "Howling II: Your Sister is a Werewolf" (MGM, 1986, R). As for yo mama, she's so hairy that Robin Williams gave her his Epilady.

Second place: "Strip Nude for Your Killer" (Blue Underground, 1975, unrated). Be considerate of your dry-cleaner.

The winner: "Your Vice Is a Locked Room And Only I Have the Key" (No Shame, 1972, unrated). The word "President" is not missing after "Vice," and "In" is definitely not missing before "a Locked Room." This is, ah, escapism, remember?

Feel better yet?

Mark Rahner: 206-464-8259 or mrahner@seattletimes.com