Rumors persist that Kelly Monaco (of "Dancing with the Stars" fame, or infamy) is joining the cast of "Desperate Housewives." Granted, it would be a way better prize than that hideous disco-ball trophy. But please, Marc Cherry, no. At least wait and see who wins the rematch with John O'Hurley on Sept. 20 (8:30 p.m., KOMO). I haven't been this excited about a dance-off since Britney and Justin at The Lounge in 2002.

Let me tell you a little story about how rumors get started. Last month at the Television Critics Association press tour in Los Angeles, Kirk Douglas made a joke about wanting to compete on "Dancing with the Stars" with daughter-in-law Catherine Zeta-Jones. Keep in mind here that he addressed us via satellite on account of just having had knee surgery. Also, Kirk Douglas is 88 years old. But never mind that, because I just read in Inside TV magazine that Douglas is among celebs who are "scrambling to be on the show"! As if! I love the tabloids.

Speaking of dancing, sort of, Ashlee "Hoedown" Simpson is reportedly hoping to return to "Saturday Night Live" in October to host and perform in support of her new album, "I Am Me." Sadly, "Oops, I Did It Again!" was already taken. It's nice that she has a sense of humor and all, but just to be clear: Ashlee, we weren't actually laughing with you. We were laughing at you.

Also in late night, talk-show host Craig Ferguson has publicly extended an invitation to Starbucks Chairman Howard Schultz to appear on "The Late Late Show" in defense of the franchise's apparent lack of bathrooms. "How can you sell a drink, coffee, that's a diuretic ... and then not have a bathroom for people?" Ferguson asked on his show earlier this month. "It's not like Starbucks doesn't have money." I personally don't drink coffee so I prefer not to take sides; however, I do think bathrooms are important. Especially in bars. And on the freeway.

Finally, NBC and UPN have announced the casts of the forthcoming "The Apprentice: Martha Stewart" (premieres 9 p.m. Sept. 22, KING) and "America's Next Top Model" (8 p.m. Sept. 21, KSTW), respectively. All of the girls have talent. And by "talent," I mean "good looks," because apparently that's what the kids are calling pretty girls these days: Girls With Talent. I have this on the authority of a friend's 18-year-old brother, and if that's not street cred, I don't know what is. Thanks, Mark.

By the way, I was referring to the girls on Martha's show. And most of the boys, too.

"Being Bobby Brown"

I really think Whitney suffers from Tom Cruise syndrome: She's secretly been crazy all these years. Did she fire her publicist, too? I want Whitney and Bobby to go on tour and reprise their spontaneous duet of "Born to be Wild." Hell to the yeah! (10 p.m. Thursdays, Bravo)

"Taradise"

In its previous incarnation, "Wild On!" was ostensibly a show about geography. In the Tara Reid version, this means dancing barefoot on a tabletop with Paris Hilton and screaming "I love Greece!" into the camera. Elsewhere, Tara makes a reference to Paris "milking chickens" on "The Simple Life." OK, even I know that's wrong. And for the longest time, I thought chickens had four legs. (10 p.m. Wednesdays, E!)

Kendra: "You look cute! Do you have boob glue on? You don't? I do." Turns out conversation in the Playboy Mansion is as scintillating as one would dare hope. (9 p.m. Sundays, E!)

"Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D-List"

Jay Leno makes Kathy Griffin cry. Is it because he's that unfunny? (10 p.m. Wednesdays, Bravo)

"My Super Sweet 16"

If I never have kids, it's because I'm terrified they're going to turn out like the spoiled brats on this show. I swear, one episode is better birth control than an entire season of "Supernanny." (10:30 p.m. Mondays, MTV)

"The Surreal Life"

The Surreal Lifers stay in "The Real World" suite at the Palms. Janice Dickinson does her best impression of Trishelle. My head implodes. (9 p.m. Sundays, VH1)

"Filthy Rich: Cattle Drive"

"I'm Noah Blake. My father is Robert Blake ... who I guess is best known for the TV series 'Baretta.' " Or, uh, for going on trial in his wife's murder. This is why celebrity offspring should not be on reality shows. Because people like me will take cheap shots at their parents. (10 p.m. Sundays, E!)

"Laguna Beach: The Real Orange County"

Oh-oh here she comes / Watch out boy, she'll chew you up / Oh-oh here she comes / She's a maneater ... Oh, Kristin and Alex M. Amateurs. (10 p.m. Mondays, MTV)

Pamela Sitt: 206-464-2376 or psitt@seattletimes.com