Some of Daingerfield's funniest lines

By Mark Rahner
Seattle Times staff reporter

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You have to respect Rodney Dangerfield's timing. His autobiography, "It's Not Easy Bein' Me" (Harper Collins, $25.95), published in late May, came out just in time to avoid being a posthumous one. "... I'm not about to die anytime soon," he wrote. "There are too many people out there who owe me money." The comic legend, who died Tuesday at the age of 82, committed some of his funniest bits to the volume. Although it would also be accurate just to say that he committed them. Here are a few:

On childhood:

"I get no respect. When I was a kid, I played hide-and-seek. They wouldn't even look for me."

"With my ol' man, I got no respect. He told me to start at the bottom. He was teaching me how to swim."

"My mother never breast-fed me. She told me she liked me as a friend."

"My uncle's dying wish, he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair."

On his appearance:

"I tell ya, I know I'm ugly. My proctologist stuck his finger in my mouth."

"I told my doctor, "Every day I wake up, I look in the mirror, I want to throw up. What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."

On controversial issues of our time:
 
I say "No" to drugs. When people ask me for some of my drugs, I say "No."

A homeless guy came up to me on the street, said he hadn't eaten in four days. I told him, "Man, I wish I had your willpower."

On intimacy:

"My dog keeps watching me in the bedroom. He wants to learn how to beg. He taught my wife to roll over and play dead."

"With my wife, I got no sex life. She cut me down to once a month. Hey, I'm lucky — two guys I know she cut out completely."

On mortality:

"Women my age just don't turn me on. That's another problem with getting older. I took out an older woman the other night, and I mean old. I told her, 'Act your age.' She died.

From the eulogy Rodney imagined:

"We are here today to bid farewell to Rodney Dangerfield.

A good husband, a good father, and a very good tipper.

A man who always cared about the homeless. He was always looking for a girl who needs a room."