Movie Review
Will Smith shoots his way through a malfunctioning "I, Robot"

By Doug Kim
Seattle Times A&E editor

Will Smith stars in the science-fiction thriller "I, Robot"

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Here's the problem with science-fiction movies about evil technology running amok: They always assume evil technology works perfectly. Clearly, none of these screenwriters have ever tried to upgrade to the latest version of Windows.

This is why, as a public service, I'm proposing these Three Laws of Evil Technology, which hew far more closely to events in the real world.

Law No.1: All futuristic technology will be utilized primarily to deliver pornography.

Law No. 2: All futuristic technology can be halted by: a) the impossibility of figuring out how to download the correct anti-virus "patch," b) lawsuits from the record industry, c) customer-service phone recordings whose sole message is, "Your estimated wait time is four hours ... "

Law No. 3: All groundbreaking, intellectually challenging classic science-fiction stories will be reduced to ludicrous, cliché-spewing, bullet-spraying, thinly veiled imitations of "Bad Boys II."

At least, that's what happened to Isaac Asimov's brilliant collection of short stories, "I, Robot." Personally, I'm glad Asimov is dead. It spares him from having to see his provocative ideas mauled, masticated and spit out as this substandard Will Smith action-hero vehicle.

Movie review Showtimes and trailer *½ "I, Robot," starring Will Smith, Bridget Moynahan, Bruce Greenwood, James Cromwell, Chi McBride. Directed by Alex Proyas, from a screenplay by Jeff Vintar and Akiva Goldsman. Based on a collection of short stories by Isaac Asimov. 115 minutes. Rated PG-13 for intense stylized action and some brief partial nudity. Several theaters.

Yes, Asimov's stories would be hard to translate to the screen faithfully, but this film runs completely counter to the spirit of those tales. Asimov was tired of the standard technology-goes-amok yarns, and came up with the idea of machines governed by unbreakable, built-in laws of robotics that prevented them from harming humans. His robots and human characters were challenged in intriguing and prescient ways by the inherent tensions those laws presented.

The movie throws out a few references to those laws, but it blows them off pretty quickly and reverts to — you guessed it — your standard technology-goes-amok yarn. Thus giving Smith many opportunities to shoot at very fake-looking robots with big guns (which apparently don't need reloading in the future).

Many of the original conundrums Asimov's robot stories presented were solved by Dr. Susan Calvin, a crusty, middle-age (and eventually elderly) woman, who possessed a withering intellect and was somewhat pained by her own, self-admitted unattractiveness.
 
In the film, she morphs into the beautiful, leather-pants-clad, machine-gun-slinging Bridget Moynahan, formerly best known as Big's wife on "Sex and the City." (There definitely seem to be cows in the future, because there's a lot of leather in this flick.)

As for Smith, who plays a character who's not even in the book, he prances around the film as a standard Wisecracking Angry Cop Who Breaks the Rules, glowering, stomping, shooting and shirtless as much as possible. Which is perfectly fine for whenever the next "Bad Boys" comes out, but why "I, Robot"? Why pretend to have some sort of intellectual basis when what you really want to film are shoot-outs, blatant product placements, car chases, semi-cute non-sequitur punch lines and shots of your stars brooding naked in the shower? Why not have Dr. Calvin played by Martin Lawrence in a leather dress, and call it "Bad Robots"?

Or better yet, use my laws, which present many far more creative opportunities for vanquishing evil robots:

Smith sends evil robots virus-laden e-mails with subject line, "Hi Evil Robot, I'm lonely." End of movie. Evil robots' IPO drops to 2 cents a share and is kicked off Nasdaq. End of movie. Smith auctions off evil robots on eBay. End of movie ...

Doug Kim: 206-464-3123 or dkim@seattletimes.com