Sex, mystery, fantasy: some fun-filled choices for a great beach read

By Melinda Bargreen
Seattle Times staff critic

MARIAN WACHTER / THE SEATTLE TIM

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School's out. The sun's out. And you're out too, scanning the real or virtual bookshelves in search of that vital accompaniment to summer: the beach book.

You know what we mean. We're not talking "Middlemarch" or the collected works of Proust. You're looking for something on the lighter side, something that will hold down a beach blanket while you take a dip, and hold your interest enough to tempt you to return.

We've got a couple of very lively Jane Austen spinoffs (purists beware: considerable liberties, in every sense of the word, will be taken in these newer novels). We have a touching and hilarious story about a maid of honor who falls for the groom, and a lighter-than-air caper involving a sexy jewel thief in the South of France.

Sound like your tipple? Read on.

"Mr. Darcy Takes a Wife," by Linda Berdoll (Sourcebooks Landmark, $16.95 paperback, 476 pages)

Previously self-published as "The Bar Sinister," this romance-novel continuation of "Pride and Prejudice" was snaffled up by a publisher and reissued under its current title. All we can say is — hold on to your bonnets. The new title is quite apt, because Mr. Darcy does indeed take a wife — again, and again, and again, with vividly described gusto. Berdoll starts out with the Darcys' honeymoon, during which the couple engages in ardent sex during the carriage ride to Mr. Darcy's vast estate, Pemberley. We find out in considerable detail, by the way, that Pemberley is not the only Darcy asset that is large.

If the insatiable couple's amorous activities were the only focus of Berdoll's novel, even her inventive prose would soon pall. But there is more, considerably more: dangers of all kinds present themselves, from an evil former servant who stalks Elizabeth, to the nasty Lady Catherine de Bourgh, who has a couple of memorable run-ins with the new Mrs. Darcy. Berdoll cheerfully dispatches some of Austen's characters, most amusingly the smarmy clergyman Mr. Collins, and Elizabeth causes Lady Catherine to pee her pants by firing a gun over her head.

Is Jane Austen spinning in her grave, snug in the floor of Winchester Cathedral? Very possibly! Serious Janeite scholars will spin, too, especially when they read Berdoll's Regency-meets-Valley Girl prose, but everybody else will probably have a rollicking good time.

"Vanity and Vexation," by Kate Fenton (St. Martin's Press, $23.95, 288 pages)
 
When I read the concept for this one, I shuddered: It'll never work. "Pride and Prejudice" updated to the 21st century, with the roles reversed? The Mr. Darcy role taken by a woman, and Elizabeth by a man?

English novelist Kate Fenton's witty "Vanity and Vexation," however, not only works splendidly, but is consistently inventive and entertaining. The book opens with the advent into a small North Yorkshire town of a TV production company, bent on filming "Pride and Prejudice."

The tall, dark, arrogant and powerful film director, Mary Dance, and her leading actress, the superstar Candia Bingham, show up at a village dance. They meet the impoverished novelist/journalist Nicholas Llewellyn Bevan and his shy, handsome neighbor John; John and Candia hit it off immediately, while Mary haughtily slights Nicholas — but later eyes him from a distance.

The concept works because money and fame (the 21st-century replacements for aristocratic birth) now accrue to women as well as men. Mary (the Darcy figure) and Candia (the Bingley surrogate) are rich, famous and powerful, though both are vulnerable in their own way. Fenton's adroit use of dialogue and her clever characterization place this one a cut above the usual "Pride and Prejudice" spinoffs.

"Priceless," by Marne Davis Kellogg (St. Martin's Press, $23.95, 320 pages)

The sequel to "Brilliant," this one continues the exploits of a highly successful, retired woman jewel thief of a certain age, Kick Keswick, who is appalled to discover someone else is now doing copycat burglaries. Worst of all, her new husband, retired Scotland Yard inspector Thomas Curtis (himself a retired art thief known as the Samaritan Burglar) seems to have disappeared — and Kick's jewel safe is empty. What's a girl to do?

Not surprisingly, she takes off in hot pursuit of the impostor jewel thief posing as her own alter ego (the Shamrock Burglar), launching a journey that leads her to many glorious locations in Southern France and the Italian Riviera. Kick's goal: to steal the impostor's jewels and restore them to their rightful owners.

Of course, this is all pure fantasy, but it's well-paced and loaded with details that will have readers lusting after Kick's luxury cars, wardrobe, jewelry and unabashed appetite for not only her husband ... but also for great food. How refreshing in these days of Size Zero stars: a voluptuous heroine who carries just a little extra weight, looks fabulous in her Chanels, and thoroughly enjoys every ounce.

For maximum enjoyment, precede this one with the original, "Brilliant," so you'll learn how Kick got started, why she retired, and how she got together with her husband.

"Something Borrowed," by Emily Giffin (St. Martin's Press, $23.95, 352 pages)

Rachel, the "good girl" who's turning 30, downs a little too much tequila at her party — and later ends up in bed with her golden-girl best friend's fiancé. How hateful of her!

But don't judge too soon. We gradually find out that the best friend, Darcy, is a scheming manipulator who "always gets what she wants," and she has made subtly deprecating and bilking Rachel her life's work. And the fiancé, Dex, was Rachel's friend first in law school, where she more or less ignored his advances because she knew someone that good-looking couldn't really be interested in her.

Well, he is. Very interested. As the summer progresses and the Dex/Darcy wedding gets closer, neither Dex nor Rachel wants to tell the world what is all to clear to both of them: They're in love. Meanwhile, Rachel wrestles with her conscience and pictures herself on the "Ricki Lake Show" ("My Best Friend Tried to Steal My Groom").

"Something Borrowed" is both hilarious and thoughtfully written, resisting the frequent tendency of first-time novelists to make their characters and situations a little too black-and-white. You may never think of friendships — their duties, the oblique dances of power and their give-and-take — quite the same way again. And the inevitable scene in which the guilty lovers are discovered may make you laugh hard enough to spill your lemonade and knock over your sunscreen.

Melinda Bargreen: mbargreen@seattletimes.com