Commentary
Can you construct a tutu out of Gortex?

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"The Nutcracker" is often adapted to reflect regional settings. But as far as we know, no one's producing a purely Northwest version. If they did, it might be called "The Beangrinder," and look something like this:

Act I, Scene I: Party guests arrive wearing fleece every color of the rainbow and warmly greet each other with whatever hand isn't holding the latte cup. Young Clara comes inside and shakes the rain off her slicker. She peeks out from under her Gortex hood to accept a gift from the eccentric Herr Chihuly, who presents her with a coffee-bean grinder made of blown glass.

As Clara dances with her new Beangrinder we witness the Space Needle growing to mythic proportions. The Beangrinder enlists his army of single-cup French presses to face off against a regiment of slugs that has invaded the garden. Clara saves the day by luring the Slug King into a pitcher of Redhook.

Act I, Scene II: The slugs melt away and the curtain rises on Snoqualmie Pass, where snowboarders and skiers engage in a sweeping ensemble number.

Act II, Scene I: Clara and the Beangrinder, who has turned into Prince Apolo Ono, watch a parade of performances staged for their benefit. Mariners hit homers; Microsoft Office systems boot-up; Dungeness crabs click claws; 7E7s soar; and people politely refrain from jaywalking. It all leads up to the magical pas de deux finale, danced by Chief Sealth and a tutu-clad spotted owl.

— Brangien Davis

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