Hey, parents: Time for us to chill out

It hit me around the time a 10-year-old girl was called out at first base, and her mother screamed at the ump that he was "crazy" and ought to "get a clue." (That ump was me.)

It had started to sink in when I saw a basketball game for 7-year-olds be stopped, briefly, because parents were badgering the ref.

Then there was this regrettable, indelible moment: Me, yelling at my 9-year-old daughter to hurry up and change her bleeping shoes. She had on one ballet shoe and one softball cleat as I hauled her from the dance studio, put her in the car and raced, late as usual, to a softball game.

There's been a lot of worry about the "hurried child" — today's hyper-scheduled, frazzled kids. No less than the American Academy of Pediatrics has said that kids who report like soldiers to recitals and lessons and tournaments aren't getting enough free time and are prone to anxiety and depression.

Forget the kids. It's the parents who are losing it.

In a 60-day period from mid-April to mid-June, my kids went to 104 out-of-school organized activities. Deliriously I toted them up the other day. Baseball, soccer, basketball and softball games. Practices for all of the above. Piano and ballet lessons. Recitals. Choir rehearsals and concerts.

In one weekend in April, the calendar, which never lies, says we went to three basketball games, a baseball game, a ballet practice, a softball game and a soccer game. Plus two birthday parties.

We have only two kids. I think.

There's nothing unusual about a schedule like this. It's epidemic around Seattle. But does it matter that kids as young as six need personal digital assistants to keep their appointments straight?

Surprisingly, the latest research on overscheduled kids says no, it doesn't matter. At least not to the kids.

"The Hurried Child: Myth vs. Reality," a study being published in a book in August, used time diaries and interviews of kids and parents to conclude that the busiest kids not only aren't stressed but have fewer issues with anxiety than kids who do no activities at all.

It's the parents of the busy kids who need some counseling.

"Parents are having trouble with it, and they're the ones who are having a hard time trying to figure out how to manage children's lives, as well as their own," said the study's author, Sandra Hofferth of the University of Maryland, in an interview with The Washington Post.

Another study out of Columbia University found that kids with packed schedules may be under stress, but what's driving them round the bend is most likely to be obsessive adults.

This study made me squirm. As an example of obnoxious parenting, it cited moms or dads who jack up the pressure by "questioning their kids about sitting on the bench during sports." Which is exactly what I did recently to my daughter.

She was one of the youngest on her softball team — and alarmed to find that the ball isn't actually soft. So she sometimes retreated to the bench. One day I was trying to give her a pep talk when I snapped and said, through the dugout fence: "Westneats don't sit on the bench. Get your glove and get out there."

Yes, I really said that. To a 9-year-old girl. Could I have been any more of an overbearing ass? Not likely.

I have no excuse but to plead springtime parental mania. A case of "The Harried Parent."

That story about how a mom got arrested for assault at a Kirkland Little League game? Not surprising to me. Nor the one earlier this month about an umpire ejecting the entire adult crowd from an Iowa youth baseball game.

The other day my daughter was looking distant. So, like every parent I know, I instantly concluded her schedule must be to blame. Tired, honey? Too much going on?

"I'm fine, Dad," she said. Then she rolled her eyes at me.

Translation: The doctors and researchers and social workers have focused all along on the wrong party. We kids are all right. It's you parents who need a timeout.

Danny Westneat's column appears Wednesday and Sunday. Reach him at 206-464-2086 or dwestneat@seattletimes.com.