Drama begins before NFL games start

Shawne Merriman is a football player who has been suspended for using a banned substance and who simulates the flicking of a light switch to celebrate a sack.

Tila Tequila is a MySpace phenomenon who parlayed Internet fame into an MTV dating game that included guys and — gasp — gals.

They seemed like such a sweet, well-grounded couple. It's shocking, absolutely shocking, I say, they didn't last.

Drama was inevitable. It also turned out to be absurd.

Merriman was arrested eight days before San Diego's season opener after Tequila filed a complaint alleging Merriman choked her. He said she was drunk, she said she was allergic to alcohol, this despite having booze for a last name. On Friday, the distract attorney announced there would be no charges.

The ridiculousness was made clear by an e-mail that arrived Tuesday afternoon. "Danny, In light of this weekend's news that Shawne Merriman was arrested on suspicion of choking Tila Tequila, I thought you might be interested in learning that he's featured in the October issue of Playboy."

Welcome to the NFL circa 2009. It's not just a season, it's a soap opera where the arrest of a star linebacker for a fight with an dating-show star is used as fodder to sell a magazine known for pictures of nekkid ladies.

A disclaimer at this point: If Merriman abused Tequila it is reprehensible, criminal and downright despicable.

That the arrest didn't result in a criminal charge isn't the point. The whole situation was absurd. Merriman inserted himself into the US Weekly tabloid culture by hanging around with a reality-television personality.

Drama is on TNT? No, it's in the NFL. This is a league where Terrell Owens declared Brady Quinn the Browns' starting quarterback via Twitter even as Cleveland coach Eric Mangini tried to maintain strict radio silence when it came to declaring who would be taking snaps.

The receiver formerly known as Chad Johnson changed his name to Ochocinco (oneword), which isn't actually the correct translation of his No. 85.

Minnesota is starting two defensive tackles who are on the field after a lawsuit against the league for a banned-substance suspension, and the league is investigating whether Raiders coach Tom Cable cracked the jaw of one of his assistant coaches.

Three teams fired their offensive coordinators in the three weeks leading up to the season, and one coach was summoned to the owner's office before the year began. That was Buffalo's Dick Jauron, but he has got Owens on his team, so that's certain to be a stabilizing influence.

But the Chargers are the reigning champs when it comes to head-scratching drama. In the past three years they've had a starting middle linebacker shot by an off-duty police officer (that was Steve Foley), a safety arrested for mailing copious amounts of prescription cough syrup (Terrence Kiel), and a historically successful coach (Marty Schottenheimer) canned because he couldn't get along with the general manager (A.J. Smith).

Too bad there's no category for drama in the NFL standings, or the Chargers would be the leaders in the clubhouse and the season hasn't even started.

Danny O'Neil: 206-464-2364 or doneil@seattletimes.com