Use finesse to manage a bossy co-worker

Q: One of my co-workers acts like he's the boss of the department.

I've had it with his nitpicking, his interfering and the orders he gives. How do I put him in his place?

A: When people behave badly, counterattacking never creates solutions or peace in the office, or anywhere else.

Instead of putting him in his place, you might try making it difficult for him to continue as the self-appointed boss of your team.

For instance, the next time he barks a command, you might neutrally inquire, "Did our boss ask you to convey that information?"

If the co-worker says no, you can then add: "You have a lot of good ideas. I just want to make sure our boss is in the loop."

If your co-worker says the directive came from your boss, e-mail the boss your co-worker's plan and confirm whether he or she asked your colleague to supervise the project.

After your co-worker gets several of these inquiries, he'll get the idea that your team takes direction from your boss, not from him.

After the boss gets several e-mails requesting clarification on project directions, he or she will realize your co-worker has assigned himself as project leader.

Although bossy co-workers can make people around them feel incompetent and controlled, their motivations are often benevolent.

Your co-worker may be unaware that he's alienating the team. He may see himself as helpful, responsible and proactive.

It may also be useful to point out to him that although you know he doesn't intend to appear to be managing the team, sometimes his "suggestions" may be interpreted as giving orders, not options.

If you can gently remind your co-worker that he's your peer, not your supervisor, you may find yourself benefiting from his initiative and not being driven crazy by his bossy ways.

The last word(s)

Q: I recently read a book emphasizing that you need to feel confident or you can't get what you want at work. I'm a perfectionist and shy. Will my lack of confidence limit my career?

A: Don't stall your career because you don't feel confident. Try behaving as if you were confident, and you'll find your new behavior will lead to feeling braver at work.

Daneen Skube, Ph.D., is an executive coach, trainer, therapist, speaker and author of "Interpersonal Edge: Breakthrough Tools for Talking to Anyone, Anywhere, about Anything" (Hay House, 2006). She can be reached at 1420 N.W. Gilman Blvd., No. 2845, Issaquah, WA 98027-7001; by e-mail at interpersonaledge@comcast.net; or at www.interpersonaledge.com.

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