Sometimes a whiner just wants to suffer

Q: Most of my co-workers think communication is where one person complains, the other person offers sympathy, then they switch roles. When I ask questions about my co-workers' contribution to a problem or ask what they plan to do, they get mad. Isn't communication about finding solutions?

A: You're correctly observing that many people believe listening to each other's tales of woe and expressing pity is an effective relationship. You're also correct that many people's conversation is limited to expressing distress and receiving sympathy or listening to distress and expressing sympathy.

I find people who have done extensive therapy, effective coaching or communication training are uninterested in pity but highly interested in empathy. Because you're experiencing empathy for your co-workers, you'd like to help them change their painful circumstances.

There are two problems with your current approach.

1. You haven't realized that to fix a problem, we must be willing to acknowledge how we're contributing. Most people get confused between responsibility and blame.

If your co-workers see the ways they are part of the problem, they have the power to make a solution more likely. But, along with this comes the uncomfortable awareness of mistakes they're making. It's often easier and more comfortable to feel like a victim.

2. You haven't asked whether your co-workers would like to move out of victimization and into accountability and action. Something like, "Fred, you said you wanted that promotion but your boss was unfair. Did you want to talk about how you might position yourself better?"

Sometimes suffering is the best teacher until we're willing to take a good look at our best friend or enemy — ourselves.

Falling in love with a job

Q: I just interviewed for a job, fell immediately in love with the position and know it's the right job for me. Should I give my notice now?

A: No, falling in love at first sight in or out of the workplace is inherently hazardous to your future. Wait until you get more information and an offer.

Daneen Skube, Ph.D., is an executive coach, trainer, therapist, speaker and author of "Interpersonal Edge: Breakthrough Tools for Talking to Anyone, Anywhere, About Anything" (Hay House, 2006). She can be reached by e-mail at interpersonaledge@comcast.net; or at www.interpersonaledge.com. Sorry, no personal replies. To read other Daneen Skube columns, go to www.seattletimes.com/daneenskube