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Daneen Skube / Interpersonal Edge
To defeat bully at work, refuse to play the victim

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Q: I have a co-worker who always hurts my feelings. I've tried being mature and ignoring him. I've also tried explaining that he really hurts my feelings. Neither technique works. What else can I do?

A: A good rule of thumb is, if you've tried an approach several times and it doesn't work, using that same approach more, harder and more cleverly won't solve the problem.

You've just learned a few techniques that don't work. The rule of thumb applies even if experts, books or your buddies tell you to keep trying the same method. This doesn't mean you should ignore the problem, which will allow it to grow larger.

People often feel hurt because of misunderstandings. However, when you let your co-worker know you're bothered and the behavior continues, you're dealing with a bully.

Bullies can be as challenging in the boardroom as on the playground. School officials have recently recognized what a problem bullying is and address it extensively.

Organizations are less proactive about bullies, which gives such employees greater freedom. The thing the bully wants is to see pain in the victim. Suffering silently broadcasts that you've been hurt. The other payoff for a bully is to feel powerful.

From a psychological perspective, you can only imagine the childhood of bullies. Many carry around more pain and powerlessness than most folks. You need to know that bullying is a crime of convenience and victims are selected by proximity. If you make yourself inconvenient, distant and less rewarding, your bully will take his game elsewhere.

Skip any appeal to your co-worker's empathy. Bullies aren't motivated by empathy. The next time this co-worker attacks you, get him alone and say something like: "When you use the word 'idiot' to describe my marketing plan in front of clients, it undermines our organization's effectiveness. I know you aren't purposely sabotaging the new marketing campaign, but if you and I can't work this out, I'll need to bring the language you're using to my boss." Then exit.

When you make the bully aware that you will not suffer and you are not powerless, you stop making the game fun. You can't transform the bullies you meet, but you can refuse to play the victim.
 
The last word(s)

Q: My co-worker wears provocative outfits, heavy makeup and seriously large hair. She gets tons of attention. Is playing sexy at work actually helpful to your job?

A: Only if you're looking for a husband and not a career.

Daneen Skube, Ph.D., can be reached at 1420 N.W. Gilman Blvd., No. 2845, Issaquah, WA 98027-7001; by e-mail at interpersonaledge@comcast.net; or at www.interpersonaledge.com. Sorry no personal replies. To read other Daneen Skube columns, go to: www.seattletimes.com/daneenskube